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Comedians Are Horrible People and Still Better Than Civilians

Stand-Up comedy is just a few tokes away from being a cult. No matter where you go in this great country, you'll find a group of certain people packed into cafe's, bars, and basement restaurants trying to turn something normal people are grossly offended by into something hilarious. Whether it be AIDS, rape, abortion or even something as appalling as politics, comedians are there in the trenches trying to make the world a better place or just to ease the pain in their own heads by getting a group of strangers to laugh at their thoughts. Comedians are sick people.

I don't tell rape jokes. Mostly because I believe in writing what you know. Rape isn't funny. I've dated girls that have told me they've been raped. I've also dated girls that whispered into my ear "I want you to just rape me." which throws out a weird signal. However, rape jokes CAN be funny. I don't tell rape jokes because I've never raped anyone. Like I said, I write what I know. But if I had raped someone, you'd better believe I'm telling jokes about it, quietly, to myself, in my cell in prison because that's what happens when you rape people.

AIDS is hilarious. It always amuses me that people think AIDS is horrible. AIDS isn't in my top ten worst things that could happen to me. I nearly chopped my leg off with a chainsaw twice, in one day. If I had sawed through my leg, I would have been lying there in the woods with one leg bleeding to death thinking "Oh, AIDS next time. This sucks." The point I'm trying to make is that my Magic Johnson memorbilia was suppose to be worth way more by now. Magic was a hero to me and now he's in his 50's, has the virus that causes AIDS and he still in better physical shape than I am and I always work better with a deadline so AIDS wouldn't be that bad.

Abortion jokes are fairly hack. I enjoy drinking, a lot! I've found over my binging career that pedialyte makes a great hangover cure and ever time I crack a fresh bottle of pedialyte I make sure to pour a little out and down the drain for all those dead Maybe Babies out there. My would've been homies. Normal people hear those thoughts and think "My God, what is wrong with Nick? Maybe Babies?" Comedians read that and think, "How could that be funnier?" Those are the people I like to surround myself with.

I use to have friends. Normal friends who did normal things. But now after five years into doing stand-up, most of those "normal" friends are gone. The normal ones or civilians I do keep in touch with live thousands of miles away so it's easy to just shoot a text or message on FB and you look like a thoughtful friend. But any normal friends that lived in town are gone. They are still around, they just don't hang out with me anymore. Mostly because I prefer the company of comedians. When you're in the company of comedians as a comedian, nothing is off limits. No topic or idea is too edgy or too silly. The only judgement is if it's funny or not. If it isn't funny, well try again. If it is funny, thanks for the laugh buddy.

 Well, here's a shocker for the squares with their Ken & Barbie ideals and lifestyles; most comedians are depressed for it is not an indication of mental health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society. And this society that we live in is most definitely sick. The symptoms are all around us; stand-up comedy being one of them.  I'll come right out and say it that I probably will be the one to end my own life. That's isn't any sort of threat or cry for help. In fact, its the opposite of a cry for help. I got things to do, get out of my way. It's a thought and the thought of ending my own life when I feel the time has come provides me with great comfort. It's the one thing I can call my own. If you're reading this and you're feeling uneasy, you probably aren't a comedian.

Comedians are just more fun to be around, most of the time. I've always supported the notion that if comedians ran the world, the world would be a much better place. Maybe, maybe not. But I do know if I'm going to be lied to, at least make me enjoy it. Comedians are horrible people but they are better than most.

-NSH